a public service announcement

It’s become clear to me in recent times that there is a lot of assumed wedding knowledge that just isn’t being passed on to members of my generation, in particular the young men. To redress this I have penned the below for your edification, with help from a number of newly married or about to be married persons.

1. RSVPs
a - RSVP as soon as you know whether you can come or not. This means before the RSVP date – it is a “deadline not a guideline.” Yes they want you to come, but if you can't they would probably like to invite someone in your place (and no you don’t get to pick who your replacement is).

b - Kindly respond with the required information and to the person nominated on the invite or accompanying information. Telling a mutual friend/family member that you are coming is not an RSVP it is a PITA (pain in the arse).

c - Only those named on the invite are invited. If they wanted your child/partner to come then they would say so. When it comes to guest lists they will generally have a good (ie financial or venue size) reason for leaving people off so please give them the benefit of the doubt. Many couples exclude children from their weddings these days, or restrict them to the ceremony only.

d – Stick to what you RSVPed. If you said you couldn’t come don’t turn up on the day and if you said you would come then please do. Not turning up is almost the most rude thing you can do, let alone the waste of money (sometimes as much as $100 a head) for the couple or their family. Reasons to not turn up when you said you would are basically limited to the sudden illness (or death) of yourself or a close loved one. If you can’t turn up at the last minute do let the relevant person know – they may have someone else they would like to include as it will almost certainly be too late for them to tell the caterers and thus save the dosh.

e – If you can’t come a small explanation is nice rather than a bald “no”.

2. Queries
a - Read any information you have been sent about the wedding before bugging the bride or groom with questions. Trust me they are pretty busy and they have probably put a lot of effort into the information accompanying the invite, eg where to stay, what to wear, gift registries etc.

b - Don't moan to the couple about things - that's what your friends are for. The bride especially will be hassled by their family extensively without you sticking your oar in.

3. Gifts
a – It is generally considered rude to attend a wedding “empty handed” unless the couple have indicated that is ok. Even a thoughtful card can go a long way to showing that you appreciated the invite, if a present is not achievable. Small presents are fine too – gift registers usually have a wide price range to recognise this.

b – Gift registers are there for your convenience – they help you to pick something and everything on the list is something the couple want and like. Don’t think that gifts from the register will not be cherished or considered special, as they are often strongly coveted by the couple no matter how dull you think the item in question is.

4. On the day
a - Respect the dress code. A few rules that people ought to know but tend not to:
- If you aren't sure if jeans and/or jandals are acceptable they aren't.
- Don't wear white - for women this means no white dresses (unless you want people to assume that you are the bride or a mean cow trying to detract from the bride) for men no white suits. Obviously a white skirt and coloured top (women) or a white shirt (men) is fine.
- If you know the bride (or groom) are wearing a different colour from the norm try not to wear that either (and still don't wear white).

b – Turn up on time or early. Ever tried sneaking into a wedding ceremony once it’s already started? Not a good look.

c – Don’t try to upstage the couple – it’s their day really. Things like grabbing the mike during the speeches to announce your own engagement are not really on, save it til the brunch the next day.

d – Please don’t rearrange the seating cards. Seating plans are a work of art that take hours. There will be a good reason why you are seated where you are and you can mingle and shift around to your heart’s content after the main meal.

e – Do congratulate the couple at some point after the conclusion of the ceremony, especially if you intend to leave the reception early. Ignoring them entirely is not only anti-social it’s also quite bizarre.


How does all this apply to civil unions? Well we won’t really know yet but I suspect some civil unions will be run along similar lines to weddings whilst others will be very casual. Best to err on the side of caution imho.