Mara to FATW: "Speak to my lawyers"
Mara would like to reassure her adoring public that she in fact enjoys having her picture captured for the consumption of the masses.
She does not appreciate Mr FATW's assertions that she is the victim of some kind of bizarre kitty porn. She believes that Mr FATW is spreading malicious and spurious rumours about her and her relationship with span(ner in the works).
Consider:
1.1 Mara is in fact a cat
1.2 Mara is in fact under 18 and thus unable to sign a contract of any sort
1.3 span(ner in the works) is in fact the legal guardian of Mara and thus able to consent on her behalf
1.4 Would you, sir, deny the world the beauty that is Mara?
Mr FATW we call on you to immediately withdraw your cruel and defamatory statements made against our client, Mara. Failure to do so within 24 hours will result in legal proceedings and we feel secure that any Court which gazes upon the pulchritudinous puss who is our aforementioned client will find in her favour, and award substantial damages against your person.
We look forward to your retraction at the earliest possible opportunity.
Yours, etc
Ms I Robb and Mr A Cheat
Barristers and Solicitors of Considerable Ability and Modesty
1 comment:
Dear Ms Robb and Mr Cheat,
Thank you for your recent communication regarding the recent posting on my client's webpage, First Against The Wall (FATW).
I submit that your client's beliefs that my client is "spreading malicious and spurious rumours" about her are unfounded and false. I suspect a financial motivation in your accusations - I regret to inform you that my client is not of substantial means, and any attempt to extract a cash settlement from him will be fruitless at best.
In any case, I would like to make the following rebuttals:
"1.1 Mara is in fact a cat"
Are you seriously suggesting that by virtue of her species your client should not be allowed the same basic rights as any other citizen of New Zealand - for example the right to privacy? I caution you that should you pursue this argument you may find yourself on a slippery slope.
"1.2 Mara is in fact under 18 and thus unable to sign a contract of any sort"
We do not have access to your client's birth records and are thus unable to verify her exact age. However we suspect based on her appearance that she is substantially past the age of majority in cat years (note that you have already stipulated that your client is, in fact, a cat), and therefore entitled to enter into any contract she might find appropriate.
"1.3 span(ner in the works) is in fact the legal guardian of Mara and thus able to consent on her behalf"
Once again, I caution that your arguments leave you on a slippery slope. Am I to infer that "span(ner in the works)" asserts ownership over your client? If so, you should be aware that slavery has been illegal in this country for a number of years.
"1.4 Would you, sir, deny the world the beauty that is Mara?"
My client has no objection to your client's beauty being shared with the world, so long as it is clear that your client has been fully informed of her rights, consents to the use of her likeness, and preferably has obtained an appropriate fee for her modelling services (is your client a member of any sort of performers union?). My client has a deep and abiding (platonic) affection for all felines, and only has the best interests of your client at heart.
My client will issue a full and unreserved retraction if and when proof of the above is presented. Until then, I bid you adieu.
Yours faithfully,
William S. Preston, Esq
Attorney at Law
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