The leftward and other blatherings of Span (now with Snaps!)

Saturday, December 11, 2004

marriage traditions - where to from here?

Now that civil unions are an option for couples wanting to celebrate and register their commitment, I wonder what will happen with the traditional marriage bits and pieces, such as:

Woman changes last name to man's
I suspect most people who get civil unions, regardless of sexuality, will keep their own names. It has been startling to me though, in talking to women getting married, that very very few are keeping their names. Many proclaim themselves to be in great anticipation of being Mrs X instead of Miss/Ms Y. Personally I find that hard to identify with - my name is my name, I don't see why going through a ceremony of commitment with my partner should change that. I don't lecture them about their choice, I'm just glad we have one these days, but I do find it a bit odd. No doubt they think me odd too.

People say "think of the children" - well heaps of children have different surnames to one or tuther of their parents, to their siblings, to other members of their families. I think there are much bigger things that affect the mental, emotion and physical health of our children than whether everyone in their immediate family has the same last name.

Woman's family pays for wedding
Lots of couples seem to pay for their own celebrations these days, or hit up both families. But even so a lot of women's families seem to feel obliged to pay for the shindig, alone. With this comes a certain amount of control as well - guest list, nature of the event, location, food, you name it, the woman's family often wants either a say or to make the decision entirely. I think we need to shift to a perspective that sees money donated by families to couples as a gift, not a purchase of certain rights. It should be up to the couple what they want to do on their day, not decided by family committee.

The terms husband and wife
Wife certainly has negative connotations (especially when my-least- favourite-derivative-of-any-word-ever, "wifey", is used in its place) to do with staying at home, keeping yourself nice, and ironing, at least to my feminist mind. Personally I prefer partner. Partly because it keeps people guessing about whether my partner will turn out to be a man or a woman, heh heh. But largely because it simply doesn't have the baggage.

Woman being "given away"
Lots of brides these days seem to be "walked" by their fathers, or mothers, or both, or some other person entirely, rather than "given away". So the old way has already started to fall away, but I firmly hope that the advent of civil unions deliver the final kick to topple this patronising tradition. Unless of course the person being walked is too blitzed to walk at all, in which case it is just a practical consideration that someone prop them up (although there would be issues about consent, but as we used to say in Crim 201 - drunken intent is still intent ;-) )

Overall I predict, and fervently hope, that civil unions will start to break down these archaic approaches to cementing your relationship. Those "alternative lifestylers" will infect us all with their carefree attitudes and some day I wish that my children can happily celebrate their commitment (not to each other of course) without the tags and baggage that have dogged marriage for so long. I intend to put dosh aside from the day they are born, and then when they announce their impending commitment ceremony, of whatever brand, will give them the sum to spend on it as they wish. Honest.

Let's look forward to at time when marriage loses the last of its property transaction trimmings!

7 comments:

Stephanie said...

Perhaps I've been in Korea too long but I don't think the trimmings you listed that make marriage a property transfer.

For instance

Korean women keep their own names, yet when they get married the cry because the marriage symbolizes that she has left her own family and is now part of her husband's family.

The wedding is paid for by the money given at the wedding. The bride and groom all keep their bit which is used for the ceremony and to pay for apartment and furnishings.

So I think that marriage traditions are only as patriarchal as the society they are opertating in. Also I think that the abilty of couples to choose their own traditions whether from a legal and social viewpoint is a good barometer of how marriage has evolved.

Amanda said...

Surely lots of women keep their names. I kept mine. We actually didn't bother with a single one of the traditional marriage bits and pieces you mention. Except I don't mind the terms husband and wife. They are such good archaic sounding terms- I like the medieval reasonance.

I know one couple where the husband was concerned about them all having the same surname so he changed his to be the same as his wifes as she wasn't going to change her.

Span said...

I guess it's that whole "changing families" thing that concerns me Stef - why does the woman transfer, not the man? Why do either of them have to really? In practical terms aren't we really still part of our families, sans Great Schisms, until we die?

Do like the money idea though.

Unfortunately MTNW it is still reasonably unusual to not change your name to your husband's. I think it's weird but from hanging out with quite a lot of kiwi brides in recent times it still seems that most change their names, and indeed look forward to it. A lot of women seem to not change their name professionally, but do socially, if you get my meaning. Just sounds like a big hassle to me.

Bring on the day when men are more receptive to changing their names ;-) I have heard of a couple who did the same thing, I wonder if they are the same people, given NZ being such a small village?

Amanda said...

Do you know the Railtons?

Span said...

sorry, it was more people i've heard about than people i know, so don't know their names. chances are pretty high though!

Stephanie said...

One of the things that Koreans are big on here is genealogy. Every family has a book that records the members of the family. The book goes back for generations. If there was a choice between say saving the book or a baby girl from the building. The book would be saved first.Babies can't be korean citizens until they get registered in the family book.

Now if you happen to be a foreign male (and this includes any north korean defectors) then if you get married you have to get a new book to put your wife and any children in it. However for women it's different.

Baby girls are listed in their father's family book until they get married at which point there name is erased from the father's book and transfered to the husbands book. So basically all genealogy is traced through the males.

Hence the popularity both here and in china for gendered abortions to ensure there is an heir. Kind of explains why the gender ratio is so out of whack here amongst teens (120boys to every 100 girls).

Span said...

see that sounds a lot like a property transaction to me! must be highly emotional being erased from your family's book - I would hate that. going from one ledger to another :-( oh well, each to their own I guess.