Adolf rasied, in the debate at Kiwiblog over Graham Capill's latest charges, the issue that Mrs Capill is a great woman for not leaving her husband in the wake of his guilty plea and the new allegations raised since then.
Nigel, why are you so surprises his wife has not left him? He hasn't bashed her up has he? Some people actually do mean what they say when they vow to support their respective spouses 'for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, through thick and thin, til death do them part.' I might have hoped you could bring yourself to comment favourably on this woman's remarkable loyalty to her husband, no matter what or how bad his deficiencies turn out to be. That's the difference between real marriage and the ersatz versions peddled by the 'modernists' of today.
This has resulted in some comments vociferously castigating her for not leaving the Reverend, and caused me to think:
What is
a bridge too far between spouses these days?
In the old days it was easy - death, and nothing else, would cause to put asunder what God had joined together, etc. But this really wasn't ideal - I know of a marriage within my family which was incredibly unhappy, for both partners, but did end with death (premature but not violent) because that was
The Way Things Were Done. It would have been better for both of them, and their kids, if they had been able to separate without difficulty, and without having moral judgement heaped upon them by all and sundry. But that wasn't how things were, so they "stuck it out", to everyone's detriment.
So here's my list of
currently acceptable reasons to leave your partner:
1. Affair - what about a one off? are there mitigating circumstances? some couples do recover after an affair...
2. Physical abuse - hitting, punching, assaulting sexually, etc
3. Severe emotional abuse - manipulation, long term bullying or harassment
4. Abuse towards your children - of any kind? what about abuse of other people's children?
5. Emotional breakdown - i.e. you don't love each other anymore, you love other people, or you find that over the years love has turned to hate - that sort of thing
6. Finding out they are not the person you thought they were - I guess this could be where Mrs Capill's situation falls. If she had no idea about the abuse then surely she must be wondering if she knows the man she married at all?
I guess each person has
a different tipping point, and it is very hard for an outsider to ever know or understand what truly goes on inside a relationship.
But just to throw an idea out there - maybe Mrs Capill (I'm sure she does have a first name, but I don't know what it is) is staying with her husband for now, because it would be too much upheaval for the family for her to leave at this moment. Is it right for her to put off leaving for these reasons? Do you have to act immediately when you discover one of the above, or is a delay acceptable, in fact reasonable, if you are doing
everything you can to save your marriage?
Just some musings, comments invited.